Do you have to believe your thoughts?
I used to think so. After all, it’s what I think so it’s kind of who I am, isn’t it?
It was only when I started training and working as a coach that I really began to unpack that assumption.
Yes, I knew how to hold my views lightly. I was open to the evidence or my experience changing my views on something. That was always really important in my work in government – you had to test everything in the real world and beyond your individual point of view for a policy to work. Does research back up what we think is true? How reliable is that research? What are we assuming about how people will behave that might be wrong? How can we find out what might really happen?
But that curiosity and desire to test policy options didn’t necessarily extend inwards. What about all those thoughts I had every day about myself and my life?
I have a confession to make here. I’m a worrier. I spend a lot of time thinking about what could go wrong. And it’s no mystery to me why that is. My dad died very suddenly when I was just 14. That’s the age my eldest son is now. When I look at him, despite the fact he towers over me already and his trainers are the size of boats, it reminds me just how young I was when that tragedy struck. No wonder I hold a core belief that ‘something bad will happen’.
So I’m learning, slowly but surely, to re-train my brain. To NOT believe all of my thoughts. To get better every day at spotting and stopping the ones that can send me into a doom loop, and choose something else to believe instead. It’s not easy – if you’ve ever read the Chimp Paradox you’ll know how strong that monkey can be.
Here are a few of the things that are helping but PLEASE NOTE I am not sharing them to say I’m all sorted and imply that this is the way to zen-like peace and happiness in some kind of Instagram-worthy lifestyle selfie 🤮. It’s more like: “I’m a bit of a mess too and here are some things I’m trying in case it helps to know that you’re not alone…”
🐨Meditation – I’m four months into trying to meditate everyday. Some days I don’t quite manage it, but I try. I used to think I didn’t have time for it and then I realised it was pretty ridiculous to think that I didn’t have ten minutes to sit quietly and breathe each day. I use an app that helps me try lots of different methods and I’m definitely still in learning and testing mode. And breathe.
🐶Walking (sometimes at the same time as meditating, yes, it’s a ‘thing’). Having two dogs gets me out of the house every day for a decent walk, even in the heat. I’m careful not to always have a podcast or book playing in my ears so that I can take some time to either just to enjoy my surroundings (look up people!), or to process things that have been bouncing around at the back of my mind. Sometimes I use this time to ask myself questions about those thoughts: what am I like when I believe them? who would I be without that thought? I love The Work of Byron Katie for this.
🦋Gratitude – there’s evidence to suggest that regular gratitude practice can boost your wellbeing and I’ve been putting that to the test. This one ebbs and flows and I tend to bring it back to the fore at times when I notice more worries bubbling up. Sometimes it’s a quick journaling habit (3 things I’m grateful for each day), and at other times I ask a friend if they want to share a daily text like that to create some partnership and accountability around it (and so that I don’t just keep writing the same thing).
🦉Coaching – both giving and receiving. Becoming a coach has done wonders for my learning about how our minds work and things that can help me un-hook myself from unhelpful thoughts and patterns of behaviour. I can bring the stubborn ones to sessions with my own coach and am always stretched and inspired by the work my clients do as we travel these paths together. Thank you.
🦄Acceptance – all of this looks like change, but sometimes the work is about allowing and loving what is. I know that my worrying has helped me sometimes – it’s made me alert to risk, concerned for others, mindful of my impact, thoughtful about unintended consequences.. all pretty important for my leadership. So I accept it as part of who I am, without letting it become the whole story.
