I’ve always loved singing. I’m not particularly talented, I just enjoy the feeling. That’s why karaoke on my sister’s birthday was a blast. We belted out songs together. Classics that our Dad used to play, taking the guitar out of my hands when I supposed to be practising my chords. House of the Rising Sun, etc. You get the picture. And we were amazing. Or so I thought. Until someone sent a video round the next day. 😳
And that’s a bit what feedback is like. You think you’re doing OK – well, even – and then someone bursts your bubble. It hurts. It brings shame and regret. And sometimes I wonder if it’s worth the pain. Is it just coincidence that the word is also used to describe the fearsome noise that comes out of the speakers when the mic gets too close?
I know we’re all supposed to love feedback because it’s the key to improvement: ‘Tell me what I could have done better? Help me understand if I’m having the impact I want to have’. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy and it doesn’t always make it true either. Feedback is just another person’s perspective and while that’s interesting – and is clearly their truth – it doesn’t automatically need to be yours. At karaoke, the night-before Claudine was a singer having a great time, but the next-day Claudine was just embarrassed. I know which perspective I want to keep.
But I also know that feedback can be transformative, and I really do want to understand the perspective of others and to increase my chances of lining up my intentions and my impact. So here are a few reflections on things that might help:
- 📽Slow things down. There are a few classic immediate reactions we have to getting negative feedback: we reject the feedback itself (“No, I didn’t”); we challenge the legitimacy of the person giving it (“You don’t know”); or – my personal favourite – we switch it back on them (“Well, I may not have emptied the dishwasher but you never take the rubbish out”). In these moments try to switch to slow-mo and watch your reaction. If you can, stop it in its tracks. One way to do this, to give yourself time to digest rather than react, is just to have fixed response of gratitude – “Thanks for the feedback, that’s really interesting and I’m grateful you told me”. And if you’re brave: “Tell me more”. You can decide what you really think later.
- 💡Extract the data. Feedback is information from a new perspective and that is always fascinating. Some of the toughest feedback I’ve received in my career challenged my sense of myself, but it also gave me insight into those around me – it helped me understand the person who gave me the feedback and brought new insight into the system I was operating in. It was like a new light being switched on, not just shining on me but all around. This is important when you’re giving feedback, too – ask yourself, ‘What does this feedback say about me?’
- 🎰Be careful of formulas. There are some ‘feedback tips’ that I love – like always starting the conversation with the person’s own reflections on how things went, rather than with yours, or making sure you have regular feedback calls scheduled in so that things can be shared when they’re fresh. But there are others I’ve come to be quite suspicious of – the feedback ‘sandwich’ or ratio where you try to offset one piece of negative feedback with multiple positive pieces – if someone sneaks a jalapeño into my sandwich I can taste it straight away. And it just ruined my lunch.
I still struggle with feedback, partly because I think it plays into a world view where we all have to be brilliant at everything in exactly the same way, and I want to be in places where the joy, beauty and impact lies in how we are different and imperfect. So I’m going to take singing classes. I’m also going to ban videos at the next karaoke.
