I slam the phone down. People around me in the open plan office exchange looks. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. In fact, at my leaving speech for that job my former boss commented on my “visible passion” and “determined approach” to achieving our goals (everyone knew what he was referring to).
That phone conversation was yet another maddening verbal sparring round with my opposite number in another part of the Department. I had started to investigate why so many nurseries were complaining of a lack of resources and the trail led to me into the labyrinth of school funding. What followed were months of conversations as I tried to understand the complexities and realities of how money actually moved through the system. I knew enough now to hold my own in a technical debate about how it should work in future – but not everyone agreed. In the run up to a Spending Review and a major reform of how the funding was distributed nationally and locally, the stakes were high.
At the time, I found this conflict with my colleague pretty hard, and I would get quite wound up by what I saw as his resistance to the case I was making (hence all the phone slamming). It was infuriating and humiliating in equal measure as he knocked down my suggestions, challenged my logic and came back with new technical constraints at every turn. But in the end we got somewhere better, probably because we were both so passionate and determined about our work. And not only that, my respect and care for him as a person grew enormously in the process.
A lot is written about the benefit of conflict and the importance of not avoiding it if you want to genuine collaboration, inclusion and impact. So how do we create the conditions for this kind of productive conflict?
🤗Name it: consider having an up front conversation where you acknowledge that there will be disagreements ahead and that you want these to happen because it will be an essential way to get to better answers
🪞Hold your views lightly: it can be easy to get into a position where you are what you think (and so a threat to my views becomes a threat to me, to my identity and values). This needn’t be the case. By all means have strong opinions but be prepared to listen and change them (and encourage this in others too).
🙌Be passionate but not personal: just as you are not your views, they are not theirs. Separate the person from the opinion and build a human-to-human relationship with them. I can’t guarantee that you’ll like them, but you can find your friendships elsewhere in your life.
🚫Set boundaries: conflicting opinions are one thing, but bad behaviour is another. If it gets offensive or personal, call it out. That includes how opinions are shared or critiqued: it’s fine to disagree with me but you can do it in a polite and respectful way. Remember that as a leader how you enter into conflict (and the behaviour you put up with in others) will set the tone for the rest of the organisation.
👀Look for it: on the flip side, watch out for the absence of conflict in your teams or relationships. Does all the agreement mean you’re missing something? Is someone holding back what they really think? I love the idea of having someone in your meetings tasked with watching for conflict (to find it not, avoid it) and feeding back at the end on what they notice.
🧘Take a break: whatever the books say about the value of conflict, in my experience it’s not that easy. So make sure you find ways to wind down and a take a breath. Maybe you’ll get to the point of not experiencing disagreement as a threat, but until then, cut yourself a bit of slack.
I admit that I hadn’t learnt all these lessons back then. And if I were giving myself feedback now I’d suggest going easier on that poor phone.
Sharing this story in memory of the wonderful Jonathan Anstey who died a few years later and is still sorely missed. Thank you for putting up with me and for everything you taught me (not just about school funding).
