I entered the room (or rather my bump entered the room and I followed) and was greeted with smiles and questions about my due date and whether I was having a boy or a girl by the men in suits across the table. An hour later I got up (slowly) and left. They were quieter then, maybe a little paler, having reached a deal that was far from what they had come in wanting. It wasn’t that I had ambushed them by arriving in disguise – I had been myself: I had listened and tried to understand while knowing what I stood for and what I needed to achieve.
I’ve never been told, directly, that I need to be tougher or more assertive. In fact I’ve been complemented on the way that speaking quietly makes people lean in to hear what I’m saying.
I have been told to ‘get off the fence’ before. Maybe because I’m inclined to hold multiple competing views at any one time and am more interested in the contradictions and tensions than in choosing a single answer. I can see how some might find that annoying. Or consider it (wrongly in my view) as an impediment to leadership.
I’ve also been told I should have a thicker skin. Not to take things so personally. Not to get upset. Not to be a drama queen. That last one is a classic. The mask slips and the gender stereotype takes centre stage. Sigh.
The ‘double bind’ that women leaders face is well researched and documented. As we step into traditionally male-dominated spaces we’re held to a contradictory double standard: we must be nice and kind, communal and nurturing (because that’s what’s expected of us as women) and we must also prove that we have what it takes to lead by being assertive and decisive, showing we have agency. But, watch out, don’t be too assertive or too decisive, oh no, that’s just not very ladylike. We’re caught between a rock and hard place: we don’t get points for being nice, because it’s just how women should be, and we get criticised for being too tough, because it’s just not how women should be.
This plays out in other areas too – we’re told to shout about our achievements to get ahead and yet women are more likely to be judged negatively for ‘immodesty’ than men; we’re told to boldly negotiate our salaries and pay rises, and yet women who do this are more likely to seen as ruthless and uncommitted than men are. If a woman rises to the top of a male-dominated profession people who don’t know her are more likely to think that she’s not a nice (or attractive) person.
I coach many leaders who are grappling with these conflicting messages and expectations (not just women, actually, because, the paradigm of leadership is shifting to embrace these combinations as key to success in a world where caring for your employees is as important to the bottom line as beating the competition). So how can we make sense of this and carve out our own path to lead?
🦄 Do it your way. If shouting about your achievements feels uncomfortable or out of character for you, find a way to do it that feels more natural. I can claim success while also holding up the collaboration with colleagues that was critical to the achievement. I can insist on a way forward while valuing the views and contributions of my colleagues.
🤨 Name it. Play back the contradiction to those around you and to your bosses. Invite them in to your experience and let them see the double bind you are in. This is a tough one because it can be used against you as “not listening to the feedback” – so also consider raising it as a general rather than individual issue in your organisation. Performance management systems are a good place to start – are certain assumptions baked in?
🕸 Build your networks. Finding others in the same boat is very powerful – as well as having a peer group to discuss and make sense of the contradiction with, just knowing you’re not alone can make you feel more capable of getting through it. Be careful about diversity in your networks – be in groups with men and women in different situations so that you don’t get stuck in an echo-chamber.
🦋 Reflect on your leadership. Being bombarded with all these expectations tinged (or freighted) with stereotypes and discrimination can drown out genuinely helpful feedback about developing and flexing your leadership style. Find spaces to reflect and be challenged, with peers, mentors or a coach so that you create opportunities to experiment and grow.
🌱Tell new stories. By finding your own unique combination of these seemingly polarised leadership traits you will be creating new stories and eventually new expectations of how leaders (of any gender) can be. So shout it from the roof tops if you can.
I’ve been in four different group coaching and leadership development sessions over the past few weeks where women have said that one of their goals is to ‘work out how to be more assertive’. Interestingly, this is rarely a development goal identified by men in the groups.
What advice would you give to new leaders today?
(Further reading? There’s so much on this topic but firm favourites include: Through the Labyrinth by Alice Eagly and Linda Carli, the writing of Herminia Ibarra, Difficult Women by Helen Lewis and How Women Rise by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith)
