“We couldn’t believe you stood up in front of the whole group and told that story.”
Gulp. “What story?” I asked.
“That story about how you got up and left the meeting with the Secretary of State… when you said you had to leave because you had to pick up your son from childcare”
“Uh, that? What’s so shocking about that?”
“We couldn’t believe that it might be OK to do that. It was so inspiring.”
I was taken aback. Why was that such a big deal? What else was I supposed to do? Leave my eleven-month-old in the arms of his childminder for an hour after pick-up time? However wonderful she was – and she was, and is, wonderful, believe me – I couldn’t do that. So I had to leave. I had to politely say that others could answer the Minister’s questions and could update me later on what was decided. It was the Department for Education after all – responsible for childcare policy across England and champion of supporting parents to get back to work.
And yet, the fact this happened, and the fact that I shared the story from a podium with my Directorate of 150 people, was somehow shocking. Oh, and inspiring.
That was 10 years ago and I realise now that the reason I was surprised by this comment is because I took so much for granted. I had the bosses, structures and an organisational culture that supported me to work four days a week and to not even think twice about asking for flexibility. I guess I had also learned the hard way – long before my children had appeared on the scene – that I wasn’t indispensable and that working in a way that implies you are, is a recipe for disaster (and burnout). Having worked in, and with, many organisations in other countries and other sectors since then I see now how lucky I was.
One of the most important things we need to do as leaders starting new and bigger roles is work out what our boundaries are. Even if you’ve managed to maintain a good work/life balance (or blend) before – and that’s a big if given how hard you’ve worked to get this promotion in the first place – it’s different now. The scope, responsibility, complexity and uncertainty are all greater and more often than not it feels like that just demands more of your time and energy than ever before. And your impact as a role model – good and bad – is even greater too.
So, what are the secrets?
- 🎢First, there ain’t none (sorry). Getting this right is a continual process of trial and reinvention. Even if you find something that works – bullet journals, booking out diary time for yourself, switching your phone to grey mode, communicating your working preferences etc, etc – things change and you need to adapt again. Kids get older, parents need care, work is in the office, at home, hybrid… new Ministers, CEOs or shareholders set new expectations. So don’t rest on your laurels.
- 🤹♀️Believe that you will get the important stuff done. Look back over your career – when have you failed so badly to manage your to-do list that it all ended in disaster? Probably never. So when you’re in the depths of despair or anxiety about ‘getting everything done’ remember that a) that’s impossible and b) that you usually survive, get the important things done, and do a pretty decent job to boot. (Now, obviously, if the way that you\’ve always done that is by working around the clock all of the time, then you still might want to start making some changes…)
- 🗣Talk about it. Work/life balance is an intensely personal thing – what works for me won’t work for you because we value different things. We may each set different goals – more time with friends, more exercise, more sleep – but that shouldn’t stop us sharing our intentions with our team or a peer group to create networks of support and accountability. Make public commitments and find the space to regularly share with each other what’s working, what’s not, and how you can help.
- 💖Don’t beat yourself up. There’s a fine line between these goals helping you and becoming yet another source of pressure. Some days you just won’t live up to your own expectations and that’s OK. Be kind to yourself. Tomorrow is another day. And also remember that the things you identify as important for giving you balance and sustainability might not all be virtuous – building in time for a Succession marathon is just as ‘good’ as running a real one if it’s something you want to do for yourself.
- 😟Being kind to yourself also means letting go of guilt. Setting boundaries and looking after your own health and wellbeing are not distractions from your purpose at work. They are essential to it.
- 🌍 Pay it forward. As a leader in your organisation take responsibility for creating an environment in which everyone is supported to find their own route to a sustainable way of working and living. Sometimes that will be through your direct action as a manager and role model but it will also be in how you shape and influence systems, processes and behaviour (for example, how people who work part time are talked about and valued).
- 👀 Pay attention. Do you ruminate about work even when you\’re not actually there? While there may not be a magic bullet for all this, there is one rule I find helpful: all you have is now, so whatever you do, try to be present, or you’ll miss it.
Of course we pull out the stops in times of crisis – I wouldn\’t have walked out of the room if it had been a real emergency – but that can\’t be your excuse every time. One of the reasons I was able to leave that day was that I was confident my team could handle it. They might not do things exactly how I would, but that was OK. Collective leadership helps create a context in which you can set boundaries and, crucially, start to let go – more on that next time.
What has helped you to set boundaries? How have your strategies changed over time? Please share your experiences and suggestions in the comments.
Get in touch with me if you want to reflect on stepping up to you next role or if you would like to work in a more sustainable way.
Further reading: Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman
